While my husband and I were dating, he mentioned he wasn't sure he ever wanted kids. We had been dating for about a year and the thought of not growing with him and having children together scared me so badly. I had built a foundation with him and knew he was the one I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. It was crazy timing because God had something up his sleeve. I found out I was pregnant right after that conversation.
When I told him, I was so worried how he would take it. In my head on repeat was him saying he didn't want kids. I hid it from him for 2 weeks before I told him and actually told him during an argument (arguing because I was acting, "off"). He didn't have much to say and was very quiet. I was worried sick to my stomach about our future for a couple weeks when he finally opened up and told me he was excited, he was just scared. We were both scared.
I found out I was pregnant in June of 2008. We finally told our family in July and I scheduled my first appointment with my doctor. It was just the official, "You're pregnant!" appointment. It was supposed to be an exciting day, but we received unexpected terrible news. My pregnancy test came back negative. I was confused, sick and hurt. I had taken several tests just 3 weeks earlier, all positives. We had blood tests drawn and found I had miscarried, and the doctor thought I had likely started to miscarry before I took the pregnancy tests at home. After going over everything with my doctor, It was estimated that I was about 12 weeks along. I thought I was only about 6-7 weeks tops. I went to this appointment alone because it was just to get confirmation and schedule my next appointment.
Telling my, now, husband was so hard. I couldn't understand why God would do this to us. I was angry with him, questioned him and questioned my faith more than ever. Looking back, I think this time was used to open my husband's eyes to wanting children, but also saying we were not ready. I would do anything to have our child with us. He or She (although I've always thought boy) would be 6 years old now.
Sadly, our first angel baby wouldn't be our only one. We miscarried again in 2009, while my husband was in a-school with the Navy, again in 2010 and again in 2011. I started to become numb to it all. I blamed myself, and my husband thought it was something because of him. I felt worthless as a woman and like a failure as a wife.
In 2012, my husband had just left for the final deployment of the USS Enterprise when I found out I was pregnant again. I told my husband and he was excited and said he had a feeling that I was. He was in port and while Skyping would send me pictures of onsies. I tried to not get my hopes up, but it was inevitable. We wanted the baby so badly. I started to cramp emailed my husband to tell him I was going to the emergency room if it wasn't better by morning. That morning I woke up in more pain and bleeding. I instantly knew, but was hoping for a miracle. I spent 9 hours in the emergency room, alone. I was losing my baby and nothing could be done. Tests were ran and no conclusion as to why I was unable to hold a pregnancy. I had become more depressed than I ever had at this point. I was giving up and was losing myself.
In 2013, we miscarried again. Something was different this time. I expected it. I never truly got excited for the positive sign, even though I wanted to be excited. I planned my appointment and the results were that my HCG levels were not high enough to consider me pregnant, medically, but not low enough to say I wasn't. I was told it was possible I was having a chemical pregnancy. We later got confirmation of that. I sulked for a few days, but something was different this time. I came to terms that maybe, just maybe there was a different path for us and we just didn't know what that path was just yet.
I slowly started to find myself again. My husband and I started working together to be content with the thought of not having biological children. We decided to just go with the flow and see where life took us together.
In 2014, we moved across country to California. We had stopped talking about trying to get pregnant and started talking fostering children and/ or adoption. We sponsored 10 kids for Christmas that year. While out shopping for gifts, I found myself overly emotional to everything, but the thought of being pregnant never crossed our minds. We had given up on the thought of getting pregnant again.
I had been feeling strange for a couple weeks and cramping. I knew something was off and we ran out for a test. The cramping I had felt was the same as past miscarriages. I took the test, and the words, "pregnant" popped up. I broke down and cried, and not happy tears. I was terrified. Because of the severe cramping, we went to the emergency room. We were there for several hours and all they could say was, "we're not sure that you're not miscarrying". It had been more than a year since our last miscarriage and everything hit me like a ton of bricks.
The next day, I got an appointment with the base OBGYN for blood-work. We needed to see if my HCG levels continued to rise, which they had. Monday I went for an ultrasound and more blood-work. We got to see our baby that day. Over the years we had 6 miscarriages and not one doctor could pinpoint the cause. Within 5 minutes, Dr Duda and Naval Hospital Lemoore saw an anomaly with my uterus. I have a bicornuate uterus, and the separation is more than likely what has caused all my miscarriages. At this point, it was unclear if my body would miscarry again or not. The egg was in a good spot, but it would depend on the placenta implanting correctly.
Our first ultrasound showed 2 eggs. Unfortunately, my body only kept one rather than both. It was so surreal the thought of twins. I know twins would have been very hard to carry with my uterus being like it is and would have made it even more likely to lose the both of them. It's really bittersweet.
The doctors monitored me closely and thankfully, everything was looking good. Our pregnancy was labeled high risk and was expected to go into labor around 35 weeks with possibility of c-section. We had a few hiccups and pain, but it was all so very worth it. At about 16-17 weeks, they discovered a large fibroid, something else to trigger premature labor. So, we took it one day at a time.
At 29 weeks, nearly 30 weeks, I started to pack on weight. Baby boy was measuring ahead, and healthy. I had to do a 24-hour urine test at about to check for protein. Thankfully it was low. The 2 weeks after that, I gained 30 pounds and started having blood pressure issues. I was sent to labor and delivery for monitoring for risk of placenta separation.
I was admitted for the night for more testing. I was having contractions and also found to have severe preeclampsia. My protein levels had jumped from 45 to 4500 in just 2 weeks. I was transferred to a hospital nearly an hour away that specializes in high risk, premature deliveries. The goal was to get me to 34 weeks on strict bedrest in the hospital. I was put on medicine to lower my blood pressure and was also on magnesium. They had me on seizure watch, cardiac arrest watch, as well as monitoring my kidney and liver function. I wanted to push my body as far as I could to get my baby to the safest possible gestation my body would allow. My liver and kidney functions had already increased and it was only a matter of time before I was at serious risk of facing damage to them.
On June 29, 2015 about 8PM, my blood pressure jumped to about 190/110, while on max dosage of blood pressure reducer, and my oxygen levels dropped. The nurses ran in and the doctor followed behind them. I was no longer given the option to push my body any further. The doctor stated they had to take my baby as fast as possible. I had sent my husband home for the night to rest. He walked in as they were wheeling me to the OR. In less than 45 minutes from the doctor saying the baby had to come, Cash William was born via emergency c-section. He was 32 weeks, and weight 3 pounds, 14 ounces.
It was a long journey, a hard one.. but I have never been so appreciative of the gift God has given us. Our journey wasn't easy after Cash's birth. We spent 5 weeks in NICU (a blog post for another day), and had a few other hiccups after NICU. We are beyond blessed with our rainbow baby, and I know his siblings are watching over him.
After every storm, there is a rainbow.
