One Year Ago Today

It's hard to believe that one year ago today, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. I had been having pains, and I knew something just wasn't right. I felt, "off". So, my husband went and bought a pack of tests so I could test first thing the next morning. I was too anxious and tested as soon as I got them. The pains I had been having were the fimilar pains I have had many times before and I was fearing I was pregnant; I was fearing I was miscarrying.

Seeing the word, "Pregnant" displayed on the digital pregnancy test almost gave me a panic attack. I wasn't panicing because I didn't want a baby... I was panicing because I wanted a baby more than anything. I wanted my body to hold a pregnancy for once. I was tortured by our history of miscarriages and was fearing the worst all over again.

Because of the severe cramping and spotting, we rushed to the emergency room. If there was any chance to prevent a miscarriage, if that was what was happening, I wanted to try.

We were at the hospital for about 7-ish hours. Blood tests, ultrasounds, etc.. No answers. Our pregnancy was confirmed, but all they could say is, "We're not sure that you're not miscarrying. If you are, at this point there isn't anything we can do to prevent it. We need you to follow up with an OB tomorrow.". I think I cried all the way home, all night and even the following morning as I kept my arms wrapped around my stomach, along with my husband's arms. I prayed and prayed. I prayed more than I slept that night.

The following morning, I went to work. I didn't want to leave the credit union I worked for short handed that morning. It was the same thought I had when I tried to go to work right after finding out we were miscarrying with our first in 2008. Somehow I get it in my head that if I keep busy, I can get through the day. But that's never the case. Thankfully my superiors were amazing and had me leave. I got my appoinment for bloodwork with my OB and a followup on the following Monday.

My HCG levels were steadily rising. That was GREAT news. We had our first ultrasound. And still.. we were left with the possibility of miscarrying. Our ultrasound showed 2 sacks, but at that time we didn't know the fate of anything. We still had to wait. In January, I had 3 or 4 appointments to monitor how everything was going. Around 9 weeks, one sac had, "vanished" and we just had one baby. It took some time for me to comprehend all of this.

around 11.5 weeks, we finally told our family and friends. We were still high risk, but everything was looking healthy for our baby.

I was a crazy pregnancy, with quite a few scary moments, but oh so work every single second. It was worth 2 appointments every month, having 17 tubes of blood drawn in one sitting, on and off bed rest.. etc.

We expected him to come early around 35 weeks due to my uterine anomaly, but never expected 32 weeks and an emergency c-section. We were definitely challenged, but even more so.. we are beyond blessed.

Here we are now, just days away from Cash William being 6 months old actual, 4 months adjusted. He's healthy and happy. He is the best thing on this earth for me and my husband. We still get comments from time to time about how little he is for 6 months, but when they find out he's a 32 weeker, their tune changes to how "huge" he is. Like yesterday at Best Buy, Cash was chewing on his fingers and hand. A man mentioned it and I said he was teething. The man said, "he's too young for teething!". I mentioned he is about 6 months old and the man commented on how small he is, mentioning how he thought he was only 4 months old (... although some 4 month olds teethe!). I followed with explaining he is a preemie, and should only be 4 months old. The man then mentioned how chunky he is. Big or small, tall or short.. leg rolls and all, Cash William is perfect.

It has been a crazy and blessed year. Last year we were blessed with the news of a pregnancy for Christmas (although terrifying at the time) This year, we are blessed with a growing baby boy with insanely blue eyes, chipmunk cheeks and the gummiest smile.

Mommyhood at 5 months

Time is flying by so fast. Every day it seems I learn something new about, "Mommy-hood"... and about my son. New challenges, milestones and a heck of a lot of patience. 

Cash William turned 5 months on November 29th. I know. I know.. It doesn't seem like he should be 5 months old already! It still feels like we brought him home from NICU yesterday. He's come so far and had proven expectations wrong. 

At 5 months, Cash is around 15 pounds. He's still smaller than most Full term 5 month olds, but huge in comparison to most 32 weekers at 5 months. He went from not knowing ow to eat in NICU and wanting to sleep 24/7 to wanting to eat 24/7 and not wanting to sleep! Ha, funny how things change. He does love his sleep, but getting him to sleep is the challenge. Once he's down for the night, he sleeps through the night or wakes once to nurse. Naps are a whole different ballgame. We struggle with naps. This is where baby wearing has been a godsend. It's about the only way I can get him to nap for an extended period of time. We're working on it though! 

He still hates tummy time, but he is getting better with it. We've made it a game, playing with him, rolling him around and encouraging him to roll since he's still on strike! He can do it, but he's lazy with rolling. Making it a game, he's starting to roll again. He's went up on his knees a few times, granted out of frustration, he's doing it. He's also discovering his feet and has been pulling them up to his chest, or up in the air. He does this during diaper changes because I always, "get his toes" when I take off his jammies. He loves it. NICU said he would likely hate having his feet touched, but he loves when I kiss his toes and rub his feet. He loves getting his feet rubbed with coconut oil after his bath. It doesn't appear he'll be super ticklish on his feet like his dad, who will donkey kick someone across the room if they touch his feet. 

We're at the stage where he likes to hear himself talk. I love it. We'll hold full conversations, though I haven't the slightest clue what he's saying. Sometimes it sounds like he's trying to say Hello in the mornings. Every morning when we do the first diaper change, right after he wakes, I say hello and good morning. He's been making sounds in what seems to be an attempt to mimic me. There has been many times it seems like he says Momma, and my husband agrees. Is it too early for him to speak a word? Maybe it's just me getting overly excited. 

We've been working on sign language since around 3 months. Some days there's too much going on and we... er.. I fail to work with him on it. I was feeling terrible that I wasn't working with him on it as much as I wanted, but obviously I'm doing an ok job at it. Cash is starting to sign, "Milk", and "More". I'm going to make it a goal to work with him first thing in the morning. He's more alert and not fighting sleep. It's a little harder on me because all I want is coffee.. but priorities, right?

We're so close to sitting up and holding balance! He can hold himself up for upwards of 30 seconds at a time, unassisted. If he's reclined, he'll try to sit up, often times he'll fall forward or to the side. I can definitely tell he's determined. He tries to grab onto things and pull himself to sit up. He's been doing great with grabbing my fingers and pulling up. I feel like he's doing everything too fast, but we're letting him take the lead with his milestones and learn at his own pace... even if it's too fast for this momma. 

One thing I'm really enjoying is Christmas and all it entails. At least once a day since the day after Thanksgiving, we play and sing Christmas music. He loves it and will grin, giggle and "sing". He is fascinated by the Christmas tree. We'll lay in the floor and he'll wiggle around and stare up at the tree. Nick and I LOVE Christmas and decorating, I'm so excited to share that with Cash... even though he won't remember any of it this year. We also said we wouldn't go overboard with him for Christmas gifts.. and I think we're doing ok with it all. Family has already been spoiling him with Christmas gifts under the tree. I can't wait to put him in his, "My first Christmas" outfit and take pictures by the tree with all his gifts. I know, I take a million pictures of him (more than 7,000 on my phone alone.. crazy, I know), but I want to remember every minute, ever silly expression, his little toes, his toothless grin... and enjoy these moments before he runs from my camera like his father does.

 Now that we've listed all the positives... one thing that sucks? Teething. I LOATHE teething. My happy baby? Well.. he's just not so happy with this teething business. Neither is his momma. This momma is exhausted. Bedtime was easy and at 7-730PM most nights. Tonight's bedtime didn't come until nearly 10PM. Teething is making my little chunk refuse to nurse and he LOVES to nurse. Seriously, this kid never leaves my boob... until this teething business got worse. Which, hey.. my boobs would love a bit of a break. However, getting gummed and an attempt to rip off my nipple by pulling, not so much. The soreness I'm feeling after hours of biting and pulling, I wanted to quit breast feeding. It seriously crossed my mind at least twice today. But, I put in way too much work to be able to breastfeed him to give up now. Twelve months here we come! (I'm so not looking forward to teeth... )

Tomorrow we're making milk-pops, ordering pumpkin oil and going to give his amber & hazel teething necklace another try. He needs some relief and selfishly, I need some relief too.. and coffee. I'm out! Ah!