It's NOT Your Fault

Preeclampsia sucks. HELLP Syndrome sucks. You know what else sucks? Being told you could have prevented it, or that it is your fault... when a granola mom tells you natural medicines and diets would prevent or help you.. when they place judgment on you without knowing you, your story, your history. What's worse? Them saying everything is your fault when they, themselves, have battled loss and Preeclampsia. They never got out of the self blame stage, and project it onto you/ others.

What causes Preeclampsia? It's not really known. There are theories, but nothing solid pointing to why the placenta doesn't function properly. Some studies attribute it to poor diet/ nutrition, some to high body fat, insufficient blood flow and some genetics. It all seems to be a blanket for reason, and yet it still happens to many women who do not fall into any category, like me for example.

My diet was great. My husband and I already followed a Paleo lifestyle, and continued those ways during pregnancy. Grass fed, free range, organically grown and raised, no grains or gluten and I had cut out almost any salt intake. My caffeine intake was 1 cup of coffee a day, in the morning. Any other time I drank only water, and lots of it ( I carried a cup around with times on it to make sure, at the very minimum, I was getting 64 oz a day). Up until pregnancy, I exercised regularly. I was in the best shape since high school nearly 10 years earlier. With pregnancy and complications with a bicornuate uterus, I was no longer able to keep my exercise routine. My family has no history of Preeclampsia, nor does my husband's family. Blood flow to my placenta was fine, as it was being monitored already due to my issues with my uterus. I do not fall under these blanket theories.

If you get preeclampsia, it's not your fault. You can't prevent it as it's just something that happens. There's no cure other than delivery right now. Most women are able to make it to term or full term and deliver absolutely healthy babies. Those women can often stick to their birth plan, have natural unmediated birth- or medicated natural birth, etc. Because preeclampsia can change in minutes, not everyone can stay with their birth plan. Preeclampsia can advance. You can become eclamptic, you can develop HELLP and it can be very dangerous for mom and for baby.

For me, I was on hospital bed rest to be continuously monitored. It was scary. I didn't know much about what was going on or could happen. I had heard of Preeclampsia, but I really didn't know what to expect or how it was going to attack me. I was fine for a few days. I was classified with severe preeclampsia, borderline HELLP and borderline Eclampsia. I was on blood pressure medicine, and magnesium to help prevent seizures from starting. I was on cardiac arrest watch, stroke watch and seizure watch. I requested to push my body as much as I safely could to get my son as far as I could in this pregnancy. The doctors respected that request and I had a team of nurses that pretty much stayed with me (someone was in the room every 30 minutes or less). Our goal was 34 weeks. At 34 weeks, they would let me labor. I had my hopes up. I wanted, "natural".

In less than an hour after talking with my OB on Monday, June 29, 2015, I started to crash. My blood pressure jumped to 190/110 (while on the max dose of blood pressure medicine I could be given), and my oxygen levels dropped. I was only 32 weeks (admitted while in the 31st week) along. I had went into severe HELLP syndrome. My liver function was failing, my kidneys were struggling and my chest was tightening. To save my baby, I had to save myself. I was put on oxygen and less than 45 minutes after my oxygen levels started to lower.. I delivered via emergency c-section.

To this day, I'm still battling what Preeclampsia and HELLP did to my body. For nearly 14 months, I have been doing any and everything natural to "heal" my body. So far the only thing I've been able to control with natural remedies, is my blood pressure most days (though, still a struggle some days).

I consider myself pretty "crunchy" when it comes to my lifestyle. Yet, I know there are just some things natural ways just can't do what science can. And I believe God gave scientists and doctors these amazing gifts for a reason.

To those who place judgments and blame. Just stop. The mom is already placing enough blame and what ifs on herself. You blaming a mom for Preeclampsia is like saying a person who gets into a car wreck is to blame just for getting into a vehicle. And if you are that mom, and you had Preeclampsia, It's not your fault. You didn't cause this. If you stop placing blame on others for their preeclampsia, maybe you can see that you're not the reason for it attacking you. Maybe then you can have some closure and take that weight off your shoulders.

If there was a way I could have prevented my son going through this, through all the needles, tests, and nights without me, I would have.

It's not your fault. It's not my fault.

Oh Poop

Let's talk about cloth diapering for a moment. I love it. Aside from the tediousness of stuffing the pocket diapers every laundry day, it has really been a breeze. We haven't had a single blowout in cloth, whereas in disposable, Cash would have 1-2 blowouts a day. So, cloth saved my sanity and his onsies. Today, however, I cursed out loud.

We've started Cash on solids. breastfed baby poops and cloth diapering is quite easy. Take the inserts out and throw it all in the wash. Easypeasy. Add solids into the mix, and our routine has changed ever so slightly. Now, poop is more solid too. So, less about cloth and more about poop.

Cash is still breastfed, but he's eating 3 meals a day now. He took off with solids and baby-led weaning. My son loves his milk and he loves food equally if not more. So, poop has changed and poop now has to be dropped into the toilet before washing. There is maybe 10 steps from Cash's changing table in his room to the bathroom toilet. Usually, it's an easy chore. I say chore because poop stinks. Today, our loving fat cat decided to plop himself at my feet as I was walking those few steps to the bathroom. I lost my balance. Poop happened. I dropped the diaper and our 22 pound cat caught the poop... all over his back.

Go ahead laugh. If it hadn't of happened to me, I would have laughed.

Instead, I had to chase fatty down to clean poop out of his fur and give him a bath, all the while tending to my nearly 7 month old who only wants to be held today.

Was it enough to make me want to switch to disposable? No, but I am considering putting his changing table in the bathroom.. if only it would fit.

To say the least, it was a poopy situation.

Judgement Free Zone

When I first found out I was pregnant, I started to think about all the things I wanted to be able to do. Near the top of that list was breast feeding, cloth diapering and baby wearing. That was our plan. I couldn't necessarily tell you why I wanted to be able to breast feed.. it was just knowing that most women's body's are capable of doing it. I wanted to cloth diaper to save money, and baby wear because I want to keep him close to me. I'm a baby wearing, cloth diapering, and breast feeding mom... and you know what? It's ok if you don't do any of the 3. I'm not going to think any less or more of you if you do or do not do any of them.

Cloth diapering isn't for everyone. We didn't get to start with cloth until Cash was almost 3 months because he was so tiny. Now cloth is so easy for us, a disposable might confuse me. We have a routine and it works for us. I am blessed to be able to stay home with my little man. So, cloth diapering works so well for us. Cloth is considered too much work for some, and that's ok! As long as you have a sanitary means for poop catching, more power to you! 

I admit, I'm selfish. I baby-wear more for me than I do for Cash. It's convenient for me. My little boy isn't an independent, play by himself baby. He loves to be held, and loves mom or dad's attention every second he is awake. I don't mind it because I love playing and working with him to learn new things, but I also like clean dishes, a fresh meal, clean clothes and nap time. Because of my husband's work schedule, he's only home and awake for a very short period of time. So, the daily chores and necessities are up to me.  Baby wearing allows me to have a clean kitchen. Cash struggles with nap time. Put him in a Woven wrap and 9 out of 10 times he'll be asleep within 5 minutes of wrapping. Cash with a nap = a happy baby. Cash with no naps = a not so happy baby.  So, baby wearing is really for the both of us. No, it doesn't hinder his milestones (he's actually excelling thank you very much!). No, it isn't spoiling him. Women all over the world have been wearing their babies since the beginning of time. It's nothing new. It works for us. Some babies hate to be worn and some mom's hate to wear... and that is ok! What works for some moms/ babies will not work for others. 

Breast feeding, oh breast feeding. Likely one of the biggest battles of all "Mommy Wars". What's crazy is, I never noticed before I breast fed. Formula vs breast vs pumping and giving a bottle. Enough. Let's face it. Breast isn't always best for everyone. Some moms can't breast feed, some moms do not want to breast feed and some moms supplement. Just because breast milk is what I feel is best for MY son, does not mean that breast milk is best for yours. And you know what, we've supplemented out of necessity while Cash was in NICU and shortly after. I pumped for 3 months, every 2-3 hours to give my son breast milk because it was the easiest on his stomach. His breast milk was fortified with preemie formula to be high calorie to aid in his necessary weight gain. After about 6 weeks of fortifying, formula was not what was best for my child and we began to only do breast milk and continued to pump. I've read opinions from people stating that formula is poison, formula moms are stupid, they don't try, don't care.. etc. None of which are true about me nor about any of the amazing mother's I know who give their child formula. Now, I've heard some stuff about breast feeding too! Some say formula is better, breast feeding is gross, people sexualizing breast feeding and giving dirty looks. I've been asked why I'm still breast feeding at 6 months old, and even told that bottle fed babies don't have the same bond with mom as a nursing baby. There's also something about anything negative that arises seems to be followed with, "It's because you breast feed.". Breast feeding isn't easy, at least not for us. Cash and I have worked incredibly hard for him to be able to nurse. I have the same bond with my son now as I did when he had a bottle. If you know me, you know how Cash and I are together. That bond started when he had a tube down his throat and also only received a bottle. If your baby is fed, happy and healthy.. That is all that truly matters. 

There's so many topics that people mom-shame on. Being a mom isn't the easiest responsibility. Why are we making it harder on others by tearing their choices for their own children down? 

Is your child well taken care of? Yes, Go Mom! 

Is your baby's belly full on breast milk or formula, whichever works best for him/ her? Yes, You're doing great! 

Does your baby have a clean booty? Mine too! 

You get it. I know you do. Let's be supportive because it's not about us. We're not all going to agree on everything but there are much better ways to express our opinions where it isn't so thrown into another mom's face. Telling someone they didn't try hard enough because they switch to formula is wrong. You don't know their struggle.
Telling someone they are spoiling a child because you hold them all they time or wear them isn't true. The ONLY thing that matters is having a baby that is as healthy as possible, well taken care of, and happy baby. Bottom line, What works for you and your family, what's best for you and your family.. may not be what is best for another's family, it may not work for another family. 

So, let's do what we should do and parent our own child(ren) and offer support when and where needed/ asked for without judgement. Don't be that mom.