NICU Anxiety

Tomorrow my baby boy will turn 4 months old. He's been out of the NICU for almost 3 months and I still find myself with ridiculous anxiety with all things NICU and preemie. I know I haven't wrote about Cash's journey on my blog yet, and I promise I will, but today we battle anxiety... NICU or even Preemie anxiety.

In most cases, you don't plan for a preemie. You don't plan for a NICU stay. The goal is full term, to not have a preemie nor a NICU residency for any period of time. NICU is scary. Having a preemie is scary. After 4 months, you would think I would have moved on. You would think it would feel like a thing of the past. honestly, it feels like just yesterday I was leaving NICU II at St. Agnes bawling my eyes out because I couldn't stay the night with my little boy. I would cry every day because my body failed him and feeling like I did something wrong, that I could have prevented it. I feel haunted by it. So many things are anxiety triggers for me.

More often then not, something on TV will trigger it and I have to look or walk away. I grab my son and pull him close to me and have to remind myself he's home, he's safe, he's healthy and the hardest part of the roller coaster is over.

Sometimes, something someone will say will trigger rage. If someone mentions wanting their baby to come early, I get angry. If someone starts doing things to trigger labor early, I feel my chest tighten. I just can't deal with it. It's one thing to say you can't wait.. but it's another to actually say you want your baby to come early or do things to try and get your baby to be born early. My chest tightens and my emotions get the best of me. I have no filter.

Today, I decided it was time to part with Cash's preemie clothes. Before I even pulled them out of the

Before we were allowed to dress him,
hold him or feed him. Week 1 of NICU

box, I felt my chest tighten. I thought because I was passing them on to another preemie mom that it would make everything easier, at least that's the lie I told myself. Almost every piece of clothing I pulled out of the box was an instant memory.

I pulled out the first outfit I ever put on him, and was flooded with memory. He was in 2nd week outside the womb and my husband and I went to several stores to find an outfit that he could wear with all the monitor wires and IV he had on him. It was the one outfit we could find and the first thing that made me feel like I was actually his mommy. I started to tear up and set it to the side for keeps. I found the outfit I had on him when he was a month old in Nicu, I set it to the side. Then the last outfit he ever wore in NICU, his homecoming outfit.. I set it to the side. I felt clammy, hot and shaky. My chest was tightened and I felt like I was going to break out in hives. I was starting to have an anxiety attack and had to walk away from the box of clothes I was trying to part with. I went and picked up my son, who was cooing in his crib at his mobile and I just held him. I reminded myself he's home, he's safe and healthy. We're not in NICU anymore and it's ok to let go of clothes.

Aside from the outfits mentioned above and maybe 1-2 more, I have the clothes boxed up and ready for them to comfort another NICU preemie mom as they once did me. They are no longer a comfort to me, in a way, they are more of a burden, just hiding in a box in our guest room closet because I couldn't bare to look at them without getting overly emotional. I kept the pieces that marked high points in his NICU stay because those are the moments I want and need to hold onto.

PTSD from NICU is very real. And while I may or may not have it to some degree, this is the life of many preemie moms. For many, it's much much worse and they can't function day to day. I feel forever scarred from our journey to bring Cash home and often have nightmares. Does the 6 miscarriages before our 7th pregnancy have a part in it? Possibly. Do I think about NICU every day? No, but I think about the fact that he is still a preemie and things are still different in many aspects for him.. and for my husband and myself. Our life/ plans revolve around what is best for his lungs, his immune system and digestive system... all of which are trying to play catch up and most people won't/ don't understand because they haven't been through it.

I do hope that one day, soon, I can get away from feeling overly anxious and having so many triggers.

A Page Turn

Hello! Many of you might be here from my previous blog, The Journey of a Navy Wife. I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would close a once, very successful blog. Honestly, it was just time for a page turn. I let the title of Navy Wife define my blog, and after while, I felt more limited by the title of my blog to write about military affiliated everything. Now that our amazing little boy is here after 7 years of desperately wanting a child, he's finally here and our whole world revolves around him. A new blog/ a new start is sometimes refreshing.

I left The Journey of a Navy Wife and had just shy of 200,000 views, nearly 1,300 Facebook fans and 500 blogger readers. Will I be able to keep up the witty posts I once thought up regularly with my previous blog? I hope so. 

Like my last blog, I'll treat this quite the same. As always, I will say what is on my mind and talk about my experiences as a mom, wife, life, etc. Because I spend 24/7 with my son, 90% or more of my posts will be related to him, being a mom, breast feeding, etc. So, I understand my, "audience" so to speak, may be a bit different. Military posts will more than likely come from the family aspect of it all. Because there are no deployments in the very near future or anything military wise that I'm actively involved in at the moment, I can't say there will be many military oriented posts. 

I dropped some jaws with the title of my blog. I understand how, at first without knowing me, it may seem as an outcry for help. I assure you, everything is fine! It's merely a play on words for the fact that I am a photographer and my son lives in front of my lens. Seriously, he's cute and at 4 months old, the biggest tiniest poser. You'll see that in my posts!

Over the next week or so, this blog will come together. I'll talk about my experiences with preeclampsia, emergency c-section, preemie life, NICU and more. It's been one heck of a roller coaster with so many very scary points, but even more amazing moments. I also have some product reviews coming up over the next few months, and hopefully some discounts I can pass on to you. If you have a product you'd like tested or reviewed, You can email me at Christina@momsgoingtosnap.com. I will be very selective about items I promote and honest reviews should be expected.

I look forward to a new, wonderful blogging relationship!