One Year Ago Today

It's hard to believe that one year ago today, my husband and I found out we were pregnant. I had been having pains, and I knew something just wasn't right. I felt, "off". So, my husband went and bought a pack of tests so I could test first thing the next morning. I was too anxious and tested as soon as I got them. The pains I had been having were the fimilar pains I have had many times before and I was fearing I was pregnant; I was fearing I was miscarrying.

Seeing the word, "Pregnant" displayed on the digital pregnancy test almost gave me a panic attack. I wasn't panicing because I didn't want a baby... I was panicing because I wanted a baby more than anything. I wanted my body to hold a pregnancy for once. I was tortured by our history of miscarriages and was fearing the worst all over again.

Because of the severe cramping and spotting, we rushed to the emergency room. If there was any chance to prevent a miscarriage, if that was what was happening, I wanted to try.

We were at the hospital for about 7-ish hours. Blood tests, ultrasounds, etc.. No answers. Our pregnancy was confirmed, but all they could say is, "We're not sure that you're not miscarrying. If you are, at this point there isn't anything we can do to prevent it. We need you to follow up with an OB tomorrow.". I think I cried all the way home, all night and even the following morning as I kept my arms wrapped around my stomach, along with my husband's arms. I prayed and prayed. I prayed more than I slept that night.

The following morning, I went to work. I didn't want to leave the credit union I worked for short handed that morning. It was the same thought I had when I tried to go to work right after finding out we were miscarrying with our first in 2008. Somehow I get it in my head that if I keep busy, I can get through the day. But that's never the case. Thankfully my superiors were amazing and had me leave. I got my appoinment for bloodwork with my OB and a followup on the following Monday.

My HCG levels were steadily rising. That was GREAT news. We had our first ultrasound. And still.. we were left with the possibility of miscarrying. Our ultrasound showed 2 sacks, but at that time we didn't know the fate of anything. We still had to wait. In January, I had 3 or 4 appointments to monitor how everything was going. Around 9 weeks, one sac had, "vanished" and we just had one baby. It took some time for me to comprehend all of this.

around 11.5 weeks, we finally told our family and friends. We were still high risk, but everything was looking healthy for our baby.

I was a crazy pregnancy, with quite a few scary moments, but oh so work every single second. It was worth 2 appointments every month, having 17 tubes of blood drawn in one sitting, on and off bed rest.. etc.

We expected him to come early around 35 weeks due to my uterine anomaly, but never expected 32 weeks and an emergency c-section. We were definitely challenged, but even more so.. we are beyond blessed.

Here we are now, just days away from Cash William being 6 months old actual, 4 months adjusted. He's healthy and happy. He is the best thing on this earth for me and my husband. We still get comments from time to time about how little he is for 6 months, but when they find out he's a 32 weeker, their tune changes to how "huge" he is. Like yesterday at Best Buy, Cash was chewing on his fingers and hand. A man mentioned it and I said he was teething. The man said, "he's too young for teething!". I mentioned he is about 6 months old and the man commented on how small he is, mentioning how he thought he was only 4 months old (... although some 4 month olds teethe!). I followed with explaining he is a preemie, and should only be 4 months old. The man then mentioned how chunky he is. Big or small, tall or short.. leg rolls and all, Cash William is perfect.

It has been a crazy and blessed year. Last year we were blessed with the news of a pregnancy for Christmas (although terrifying at the time) This year, we are blessed with a growing baby boy with insanely blue eyes, chipmunk cheeks and the gummiest smile.

Mommyhood at 5 months

Time is flying by so fast. Every day it seems I learn something new about, "Mommy-hood"... and about my son. New challenges, milestones and a heck of a lot of patience. 

Cash William turned 5 months on November 29th. I know. I know.. It doesn't seem like he should be 5 months old already! It still feels like we brought him home from NICU yesterday. He's come so far and had proven expectations wrong. 

At 5 months, Cash is around 15 pounds. He's still smaller than most Full term 5 month olds, but huge in comparison to most 32 weekers at 5 months. He went from not knowing ow to eat in NICU and wanting to sleep 24/7 to wanting to eat 24/7 and not wanting to sleep! Ha, funny how things change. He does love his sleep, but getting him to sleep is the challenge. Once he's down for the night, he sleeps through the night or wakes once to nurse. Naps are a whole different ballgame. We struggle with naps. This is where baby wearing has been a godsend. It's about the only way I can get him to nap for an extended period of time. We're working on it though! 

He still hates tummy time, but he is getting better with it. We've made it a game, playing with him, rolling him around and encouraging him to roll since he's still on strike! He can do it, but he's lazy with rolling. Making it a game, he's starting to roll again. He's went up on his knees a few times, granted out of frustration, he's doing it. He's also discovering his feet and has been pulling them up to his chest, or up in the air. He does this during diaper changes because I always, "get his toes" when I take off his jammies. He loves it. NICU said he would likely hate having his feet touched, but he loves when I kiss his toes and rub his feet. He loves getting his feet rubbed with coconut oil after his bath. It doesn't appear he'll be super ticklish on his feet like his dad, who will donkey kick someone across the room if they touch his feet. 

We're at the stage where he likes to hear himself talk. I love it. We'll hold full conversations, though I haven't the slightest clue what he's saying. Sometimes it sounds like he's trying to say Hello in the mornings. Every morning when we do the first diaper change, right after he wakes, I say hello and good morning. He's been making sounds in what seems to be an attempt to mimic me. There has been many times it seems like he says Momma, and my husband agrees. Is it too early for him to speak a word? Maybe it's just me getting overly excited. 

We've been working on sign language since around 3 months. Some days there's too much going on and we... er.. I fail to work with him on it. I was feeling terrible that I wasn't working with him on it as much as I wanted, but obviously I'm doing an ok job at it. Cash is starting to sign, "Milk", and "More". I'm going to make it a goal to work with him first thing in the morning. He's more alert and not fighting sleep. It's a little harder on me because all I want is coffee.. but priorities, right?

We're so close to sitting up and holding balance! He can hold himself up for upwards of 30 seconds at a time, unassisted. If he's reclined, he'll try to sit up, often times he'll fall forward or to the side. I can definitely tell he's determined. He tries to grab onto things and pull himself to sit up. He's been doing great with grabbing my fingers and pulling up. I feel like he's doing everything too fast, but we're letting him take the lead with his milestones and learn at his own pace... even if it's too fast for this momma. 

One thing I'm really enjoying is Christmas and all it entails. At least once a day since the day after Thanksgiving, we play and sing Christmas music. He loves it and will grin, giggle and "sing". He is fascinated by the Christmas tree. We'll lay in the floor and he'll wiggle around and stare up at the tree. Nick and I LOVE Christmas and decorating, I'm so excited to share that with Cash... even though he won't remember any of it this year. We also said we wouldn't go overboard with him for Christmas gifts.. and I think we're doing ok with it all. Family has already been spoiling him with Christmas gifts under the tree. I can't wait to put him in his, "My first Christmas" outfit and take pictures by the tree with all his gifts. I know, I take a million pictures of him (more than 7,000 on my phone alone.. crazy, I know), but I want to remember every minute, ever silly expression, his little toes, his toothless grin... and enjoy these moments before he runs from my camera like his father does.

 Now that we've listed all the positives... one thing that sucks? Teething. I LOATHE teething. My happy baby? Well.. he's just not so happy with this teething business. Neither is his momma. This momma is exhausted. Bedtime was easy and at 7-730PM most nights. Tonight's bedtime didn't come until nearly 10PM. Teething is making my little chunk refuse to nurse and he LOVES to nurse. Seriously, this kid never leaves my boob... until this teething business got worse. Which, hey.. my boobs would love a bit of a break. However, getting gummed and an attempt to rip off my nipple by pulling, not so much. The soreness I'm feeling after hours of biting and pulling, I wanted to quit breast feeding. It seriously crossed my mind at least twice today. But, I put in way too much work to be able to breastfeed him to give up now. Twelve months here we come! (I'm so not looking forward to teeth... )

Tomorrow we're making milk-pops, ordering pumpkin oil and going to give his amber & hazel teething necklace another try. He needs some relief and selfishly, I need some relief too.. and coffee. I'm out! Ah!

After Every Storm There is a Rainbow

My husband and I started to think becoming parents would never happen for us. We wanted it so badly and I had always dreamed of being a mommy. Our journey to parenthood was long and painful, but after every storm there is a rainbow.

While my husband and I were dating, he mentioned he wasn't sure he ever wanted kids. We had been dating for about a year and the thought of not growing with him and having children together scared me so badly. I had built a foundation with him and knew he was the one I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life. It was crazy timing because God had something up his sleeve. I found out I was pregnant right after that conversation. 

When I told him, I was so worried how he would take it. In my head on repeat was him saying he didn't want kids. I hid it from him for 2 weeks before I told him and actually told him during an argument (arguing because I was acting, "off"). He didn't have much to say and was very quiet. I was worried sick to my stomach about our future for a couple weeks when he finally opened up and told me he was excited, he was just scared. We were both scared. 

I found out I was pregnant in June of 2008. We finally told our family in July and I scheduled my first appointment with my doctor. It was just the official, "You're pregnant!" appointment. It was supposed to be an exciting day, but we received unexpected terrible news. My pregnancy test came back negative. I was confused, sick and hurt. I had taken several tests just 3 weeks earlier, all positives. We had blood tests drawn and found I had miscarried, and the doctor thought I had likely started to miscarry before I took the pregnancy tests at home. After going over everything with my doctor, It was estimated that I was about 12 weeks along. I thought I was only about 6-7 weeks tops. I went to this appointment alone because it was just to get confirmation and schedule my next appointment. 

Telling my, now, husband was so hard. I couldn't understand why God would do this to us. I was angry with him, questioned him and questioned my faith more than ever. Looking back, I think this time was used to open my husband's eyes to wanting children, but also saying we were not ready. I would do anything to have our child with us. He or She (although I've always thought boy) would be 6 years old now. 

Sadly, our first angel baby wouldn't be our only one. We miscarried again in 2009, while my husband was in a-school with the Navy, again in 2010 and again in 2011. I started to become numb to it all. I blamed myself, and my husband thought it was something because of him. I felt worthless as a woman and like a failure as a wife. 

In 2012, my husband had just left for the final deployment of the USS Enterprise when I found out I was pregnant again. I told my husband and he was excited and said he had a feeling that I was. He was in port and while Skyping would send me pictures of onsies. I tried to not get my hopes up, but it was inevitable. We wanted the baby so badly. I started to cramp emailed my husband to tell him I was going to the emergency room if it wasn't better by morning. That morning I woke up in more pain and bleeding. I instantly knew, but was hoping for a miracle. I spent 9 hours in the emergency room, alone. I was losing my baby and nothing could be done. Tests were ran and no conclusion as to why I was unable to hold a pregnancy. I had become more depressed than I ever had at this point. I was giving up and was losing myself. 

In 2013, we miscarried again. Something was different this time. I expected it. I never truly got excited for the positive sign, even though I wanted to be excited. I planned my appointment and the results were that my HCG levels were not high enough to consider me pregnant, medically, but not low enough to say I wasn't. I was told it was possible I was having a chemical pregnancy. We later got confirmation of that. I sulked for a few days, but something was different this time. I came to terms that maybe, just maybe there was a different path for us and we just didn't know what that path was just yet. 

I slowly started to find myself again. My husband and I started working together to be content with the thought of not having biological children. We decided to just go with the flow and see where life took us together. 

In 2014, we moved across country to California. We had stopped talking about trying to get pregnant and started talking fostering children and/ or adoption. We sponsored 10 kids for Christmas that year. While out shopping for gifts, I found myself overly emotional to everything, but the thought of being pregnant never crossed our minds. We had given up on the thought of getting pregnant again. 

I had been feeling strange for a couple weeks and cramping. I knew something was off and we ran out for a test. The cramping I had felt was the same as past miscarriages. I took the test, and the words, "pregnant" popped up. I broke down and cried, and not happy tears. I was terrified. Because of the severe cramping, we went to the emergency room. We were there for several hours and all they could say was, "we're not sure that you're not miscarrying". It had been more than a year since our last miscarriage and everything hit me like a ton of bricks.

The next day, I got an appointment with the base OBGYN for blood-work. We needed to see if my HCG levels continued to rise, which they had. Monday I went for an ultrasound and more blood-work. We got to see our baby that day. Over the years we had 6 miscarriages and not one doctor could pinpoint the cause. Within 5 minutes, Dr Duda and Naval Hospital Lemoore saw an anomaly with my uterus. I have a bicornuate uterus, and the separation is more than likely what has caused all my miscarriages. At this point, it was unclear if my body would miscarry again or not. The egg was in a good spot, but it would depend on the placenta implanting correctly. 

Our first ultrasound showed 2 eggs. Unfortunately, my body only kept one rather than both. It was so surreal the thought of twins. I know twins would have been very hard to carry with my uterus being like it is and would have made it even more likely to lose the both of them. It's really bittersweet. 

The doctors monitored me closely and thankfully, everything was looking good. Our pregnancy was labeled high risk and was expected to go into labor around 35 weeks with possibility of c-section. We had a few hiccups and pain, but it was all so very worth it. At about 16-17 weeks, they discovered a large fibroid, something else to trigger premature labor. So, we took it one day at a time. 

At 29 weeks, nearly 30 weeks, I started to pack on weight. Baby boy was measuring ahead, and healthy. I had to do a 24-hour urine test at about to check for protein. Thankfully it was low. The 2 weeks after that, I gained 30 pounds and started having blood pressure issues. I was sent to labor and delivery for monitoring for risk of placenta separation. 

I was admitted for the night for more testing. I was having contractions and also found to have severe preeclampsia. My protein levels had jumped from 45 to 4500 in just 2 weeks. I was transferred to a hospital nearly an hour away that specializes in high risk, premature deliveries. The goal was to get me to 34 weeks on strict bedrest in the hospital. I was put on medicine to lower my blood pressure and was also on magnesium. They had me on seizure watch, cardiac arrest watch, as well as monitoring my kidney and liver function. I wanted to push my body as far as I could to get my baby to the safest possible gestation my body would allow. My liver and kidney functions had already increased and it was only a matter of time before I was at serious risk of facing damage to them. 

On June 29, 2015 about 8PM, my blood pressure jumped to about 190/110, while on max dosage of blood pressure reducer, and my oxygen levels dropped. The nurses ran in and the doctor followed behind them. I was no longer given the option to push my body any further. The doctor stated they had to take my baby as fast as possible. I had sent my husband home for the night to rest. He walked in as they were wheeling me to the OR. In less than 45 minutes from the doctor saying the baby had to come, Cash William was born via emergency c-section. He was 32 weeks, and weight 3 pounds, 14 ounces.

It was a long journey, a hard one.. but I have never been so appreciative of the gift God has given us. Our journey wasn't easy after Cash's birth. We spent 5 weeks in NICU (a blog post for another day), and had a few other hiccups after NICU. We are beyond blessed with our rainbow baby, and I know his siblings are watching over him. 

After every storm, there is a rainbow. 

 

NICU Anxiety

Tomorrow my baby boy will turn 4 months old. He's been out of the NICU for almost 3 months and I still find myself with ridiculous anxiety with all things NICU and preemie. I know I haven't wrote about Cash's journey on my blog yet, and I promise I will, but today we battle anxiety... NICU or even Preemie anxiety.

In most cases, you don't plan for a preemie. You don't plan for a NICU stay. The goal is full term, to not have a preemie nor a NICU residency for any period of time. NICU is scary. Having a preemie is scary. After 4 months, you would think I would have moved on. You would think it would feel like a thing of the past. honestly, it feels like just yesterday I was leaving NICU II at St. Agnes bawling my eyes out because I couldn't stay the night with my little boy. I would cry every day because my body failed him and feeling like I did something wrong, that I could have prevented it. I feel haunted by it. So many things are anxiety triggers for me.

More often then not, something on TV will trigger it and I have to look or walk away. I grab my son and pull him close to me and have to remind myself he's home, he's safe, he's healthy and the hardest part of the roller coaster is over.

Sometimes, something someone will say will trigger rage. If someone mentions wanting their baby to come early, I get angry. If someone starts doing things to trigger labor early, I feel my chest tighten. I just can't deal with it. It's one thing to say you can't wait.. but it's another to actually say you want your baby to come early or do things to try and get your baby to be born early. My chest tightens and my emotions get the best of me. I have no filter.

Today, I decided it was time to part with Cash's preemie clothes. Before I even pulled them out of the

Before we were allowed to dress him,
hold him or feed him. Week 1 of NICU

box, I felt my chest tighten. I thought because I was passing them on to another preemie mom that it would make everything easier, at least that's the lie I told myself. Almost every piece of clothing I pulled out of the box was an instant memory.

I pulled out the first outfit I ever put on him, and was flooded with memory. He was in 2nd week outside the womb and my husband and I went to several stores to find an outfit that he could wear with all the monitor wires and IV he had on him. It was the one outfit we could find and the first thing that made me feel like I was actually his mommy. I started to tear up and set it to the side for keeps. I found the outfit I had on him when he was a month old in Nicu, I set it to the side. Then the last outfit he ever wore in NICU, his homecoming outfit.. I set it to the side. I felt clammy, hot and shaky. My chest was tightened and I felt like I was going to break out in hives. I was starting to have an anxiety attack and had to walk away from the box of clothes I was trying to part with. I went and picked up my son, who was cooing in his crib at his mobile and I just held him. I reminded myself he's home, he's safe and healthy. We're not in NICU anymore and it's ok to let go of clothes.

Aside from the outfits mentioned above and maybe 1-2 more, I have the clothes boxed up and ready for them to comfort another NICU preemie mom as they once did me. They are no longer a comfort to me, in a way, they are more of a burden, just hiding in a box in our guest room closet because I couldn't bare to look at them without getting overly emotional. I kept the pieces that marked high points in his NICU stay because those are the moments I want and need to hold onto.

PTSD from NICU is very real. And while I may or may not have it to some degree, this is the life of many preemie moms. For many, it's much much worse and they can't function day to day. I feel forever scarred from our journey to bring Cash home and often have nightmares. Does the 6 miscarriages before our 7th pregnancy have a part in it? Possibly. Do I think about NICU every day? No, but I think about the fact that he is still a preemie and things are still different in many aspects for him.. and for my husband and myself. Our life/ plans revolve around what is best for his lungs, his immune system and digestive system... all of which are trying to play catch up and most people won't/ don't understand because they haven't been through it.

I do hope that one day, soon, I can get away from feeling overly anxious and having so many triggers.

A Page Turn

Hello! Many of you might be here from my previous blog, The Journey of a Navy Wife. I'm sure many of you are wondering why I would close a once, very successful blog. Honestly, it was just time for a page turn. I let the title of Navy Wife define my blog, and after while, I felt more limited by the title of my blog to write about military affiliated everything. Now that our amazing little boy is here after 7 years of desperately wanting a child, he's finally here and our whole world revolves around him. A new blog/ a new start is sometimes refreshing.

I left The Journey of a Navy Wife and had just shy of 200,000 views, nearly 1,300 Facebook fans and 500 blogger readers. Will I be able to keep up the witty posts I once thought up regularly with my previous blog? I hope so. 

Like my last blog, I'll treat this quite the same. As always, I will say what is on my mind and talk about my experiences as a mom, wife, life, etc. Because I spend 24/7 with my son, 90% or more of my posts will be related to him, being a mom, breast feeding, etc. So, I understand my, "audience" so to speak, may be a bit different. Military posts will more than likely come from the family aspect of it all. Because there are no deployments in the very near future or anything military wise that I'm actively involved in at the moment, I can't say there will be many military oriented posts. 

I dropped some jaws with the title of my blog. I understand how, at first without knowing me, it may seem as an outcry for help. I assure you, everything is fine! It's merely a play on words for the fact that I am a photographer and my son lives in front of my lens. Seriously, he's cute and at 4 months old, the biggest tiniest poser. You'll see that in my posts!

Over the next week or so, this blog will come together. I'll talk about my experiences with preeclampsia, emergency c-section, preemie life, NICU and more. It's been one heck of a roller coaster with so many very scary points, but even more amazing moments. I also have some product reviews coming up over the next few months, and hopefully some discounts I can pass on to you. If you have a product you'd like tested or reviewed, You can email me at Christina@momsgoingtosnap.com. I will be very selective about items I promote and honest reviews should be expected.

I look forward to a new, wonderful blogging relationship!