In most cases, you don't plan for a preemie. You don't plan for a NICU stay. The goal is full term, to not have a preemie nor a NICU residency for any period of time. NICU is scary. Having a preemie is scary. After 4 months, you would think I would have moved on. You would think it would feel like a thing of the past. honestly, it feels like just yesterday I was leaving NICU II at St. Agnes bawling my eyes out because I couldn't stay the night with my little boy. I would cry every day because my body failed him and feeling like I did something wrong, that I could have prevented it. I feel haunted by it. So many things are anxiety triggers for me.
More often then not, something on TV will trigger it and I have to look or walk away. I grab my son and pull him close to me and have to remind myself he's home, he's safe, he's healthy and the hardest part of the roller coaster is over.
Sometimes, something someone will say will trigger rage. If someone mentions wanting their baby to come early, I get angry. If someone starts doing things to trigger labor early, I feel my chest tighten. I just can't deal with it. It's one thing to say you can't wait.. but it's another to actually say you want your baby to come early or do things to try and get your baby to be born early. My chest tightens and my emotions get the best of me. I have no filter.
Today, I decided it was time to part with Cash's preemie clothes. Before I even pulled them out of the
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| Before we were allowed to dress him, hold him or feed him. Week 1 of NICU |
I pulled out the first outfit I ever put on him, and was flooded with memory. He was in 2nd week outside the womb and my husband and I went to several stores to find an outfit that he could wear with all the monitor wires and IV he had on him. It was the one outfit we could find and the first thing that made me feel like I was actually his mommy. I started to tear up and set it to the side for keeps. I found the outfit I had on him when he was a month old in Nicu, I set it to the side. Then the last outfit he ever wore in NICU, his homecoming outfit.. I set it to the side. I felt clammy, hot and shaky. My chest was tightened and I felt like I was going to break out in hives. I was starting to have an anxiety attack and had to walk away from the box of clothes I was trying to part with. I went and picked up my son, who was cooing in his crib at his mobile and I just held him. I reminded myself he's home, he's safe and healthy. We're not in NICU anymore and it's ok to let go of clothes.
Aside from the outfits mentioned above and maybe 1-2 more, I have the clothes boxed up and ready for them to comfort another NICU preemie mom as they once did me. They are no longer a comfort to me, in a way, they are more of a burden, just hiding in a box in our guest room closet because I couldn't bare to look at them without getting overly emotional. I kept the pieces that marked high points in his NICU stay because those are the moments I want and need to hold onto.
PTSD from NICU is very real. And while I may or may not have it to some degree, this is the life of many preemie moms. For many, it's much much worse and they can't function day to day. I feel forever scarred from our journey to bring Cash home and often have nightmares. Does the 6 miscarriages before our 7th pregnancy have a part in it? Possibly. Do I think about NICU every day? No, but I think about the fact that he is still a preemie and things are still different in many aspects for him.. and for my husband and myself. Our life/ plans revolve around what is best for his lungs, his immune system and digestive system... all of which are trying to play catch up and most people won't/ don't understand because they haven't been through it.
I do hope that one day, soon, I can get away from feeling overly anxious and having so many triggers.
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